Nullification and the encroaching voids within and without

Nullification lets start by defining this . It is the act of cancelling something. In the case of humans it could also be called suicide , withdrawal of life, ending this mortal coil. Yes many people say you are weak if you think about this or go through with it. Most everyone has thought about it , some have tried and failed and others many most would of thought have went to the great beyond. There are thousands of different types of pain some can be seen others are a slow degradation that slowly saps the life out of a person. The voids that are created in a person's soul . Some are fragile and unending spears to the heart whether it be by withdrawing from that person or sadistic / needless cruel. There is also the instant rocks down the well , wrapped thoughts that fester when things you set your heart on or something you hope for fails time and time again.

I know all too well the feelings of being a waste , a void. Yes I have a man that loves me and my children ...well having parenting issues there. But just because I have a man who loves me!! Its hard thinking of the words that are rolling around in my heart and soul but I need to purge myself to try heal some of the infestation and get back to those smarmy trying to pretend my life is all rainbows and unicorns due too... insert banal reason here.

For those who know me I have bipolar and PTSD. And between Oct till now some things in my life could be done by a drone its so mindless "Being home alone A LOT , some days" . Moved within a 24 hour window because the city tried to shut down my last place but ended up extending it for the other people for another 10 days. But we got it down. Much bigger place and able to have company visit as i hear the crickets chirp in the walls and the voices within my head get loud. So many reasons on they whys and wherefores the silences grow and burn such deep , dark despair.

The newest wrinkle has come up this month well on top of everything else honestly made me think about just doing it, I don't want to leave Ken or the very few that love me. I knew the how and when , i researched it. I'm not asking for sympathy or pity. When I was at my very lowest point I was asked if I wanted to go do something. Yes I was at that point where someone reaching out to me.. no never ended up going anywhere it fell through . My biggest things in my life are housecleaning, I only get out for drs and shopping. I try to find ways to help the household with things as I have no cash. I'm just so tired . I talk to folks online but what is so wrong with me people don't want to be near me or have me do things with them.

I keep searching and try keeping up the act, the play that eventually I will be good enough. I hope that is soon . I still love deeply the ones I love and that is my gripping point in this ever changing world. My anchor is Ken and knowing every night he is here and every day I wake beside him.


my mind is weary Blessed be to A/all and may the dawn bestow bounty upon you and yours